Why Are My Orgasms So Unsatisfying?
Whether you’re noticing a sudden change or have been craving more for a while, here are some things to consider and put into practice to improve your sex life.
The first thing I recommend to clients whose orgasms aren’t as satisfying as they had hoped is to try to give yourself ample time to warm up properly. Don’t just jump right into the clitoris, for instance. Take some time to touch your body, spend some time on the inner thighs or discover erogenous zones. This tip isn’t just for couples, and putting this extra long practice into play on your own can make you more comfortable asking for it with a partner. At times we might also be anticipating penetration or rushing through because we feel as though we’re wasting time, or checking off a list before the main event. Shift your perspective: don’t think of it as foreplay, think of this time as an essential step in your sexual pleasure.
Strengthen your pelvic floor in a safe, healthy way. One way to do so is to make sure you’re releasing, not just strengthening. The biggest part of an orgasm is the ability to let go and allow the body to contract the muscles. This contraction stems from the increased blood flow to the area, which is sometimes halted by the body if you’re too tense or bearing down. Try to relax the same muscles you use to pee- it might sound counterintuitive but if you can do this a few times, you might be able to increase blood flow to the area! Kegel exercises are great too, but make sure you’re also able to let go and relax the pelvic floor after any strength exercises. Remember to breathe as well- so many of us hold our breath in anticipation of an orgasm but this might reduce your likelihood to get enough blood flow to feel an orgasm.
Look out for overstimulation. This might go hand-in-hand with the warm-up, but some of us have more sensitive genitals than we might think. An exercise that helps people discern if they’re overstimulated or receiving pleasure is noticing whether you’re tolerating a sensation or receiving it. What do I mean by this?
Let’s consider these scenarios:
You use a massage wand directly on your clitoris, and you’re enjoying it. As the vibration continues, you press a little harder to “feel more”. You notice your pelvic floor clenching, you might be physically twisting away from the wand a bit but you figure it's because the orgasm is coming. This might be “tolerating” the sensation.
You use a massage wand on your inner thighs and start to gently touch your vulva with the other hand. You slowly introduce the vibrating sensation to your vulva and realize that it might be a bit too much for you today. You switch to your fingers or a toy with a lower setting- it might take longer (a whole 15 minutes longer, even) but the build-up is worth it. When you orgasm you aren’t clenching down but rather allowing your body to open up to the sensation. You feel a sense of relaxation afterward, regardless of how “big” or “small” the orgasm was to you. This is “receiving” the sensation.
Not every toy works for every clitoris, much like how not every facial moisturizer is for all skin types. We’re all unique- that’s what makes sex so interesting!
Orgasms aren’t everything. We apply an overwhelming pressure on orgasms to fulfill every desire and satisfy us endlessly. We compare each one to the last, and chase satisfaction without listening to what our bodies truly need. Try shifting your focus, and find what feels good instead of rushing to the supposed main event. There is no formula to orgasms and the journey is often the best part.
Not all orgasms are equal- sometimes we might have one while we’re doing sit-ups! Orgasms don’t necessarily mean you’re at your peak arousal mentally, so try edging or holding off until you feel as though you can’t take it anymore. “Edging” is a technique in which you quite literally approach the edge of an orgasm, and either pull away completely or change your movement in order to take it down a notch. Doing this a few times until you begin orgasming and give in can increase the focus and help you stay present as you build up to a bigger release each time. For some people, they have a little orgasm and then a powerful one a little while later. Other people don’t like this method at all which is totally okay too. I promise that once you search for what feels good with an open mind, your attachment to this idea of Prince Charming Orgasm will fade away. Good sex is defined by your own terms. Give yourself permission to explore the ways in which you can pleasure your body without making orgasm the goal and see what changes.
Consider if there are mental circumstances such as low self-worth or depression at play, which can impact your interest in orgasm, your nervous system, and your ability to be present with your body. You can work out these issues with therapy, journaling, and self-compassion exercises over time.
